Newtown: Struggling

I am struggling.  I am afraid to type that word.
Struggle.  Seems so harsh.  So cold.  But I feel that.
If you have followed any part of the Newtown shootings.....
I think you understand.
The struggle to balance thoughts of "what if" with reality of "what is"

If you are a parent, you understand.
Struggle to balance.
Struggle to please
Struggle to do.
Struggle to just be.


If you are a Dad, you understand.
Struggle to serve.
Struggle to protect.
Struggle to provide.

I am struggling because Newtown changed me.
It became my home.  Long ago but cemented now.

I struggle because I want to do more.
I struggle when I watch Mark on Capital Hill in Hartford.
I struggle to imagine how each passing day is for him, Cindy and Anna.
I think often of James and Olivia.
Catherine is on my heart too.  Especially with Jen Hubbard being JP's teacher.

I struggle to balance love with sadness.
I love being with my kids.  And do it often.
I struggle to want more time with them.
Maybe that is every Dad's struggle?  Or every parent's worry that today may be there last?

Life moves forward.
More fun. More trials.
But I struggle to forget.
Maybe it is a part of me.  Part of us.
But it can't define me.  Or us.

Does the struggle ever end?