How a Man Deals with Adversity

"The measure of a man is how they deal with adversity" - Bill O'Brien, Penn State Head Coach

Today I read this article on O.B.  I have been a fan and friend of his for a long time but the article resonates even more for me today.  Strength and resolve are grown through your life experiences especially how you get up after getting knocked down.

Today was filled with mixed emotions.  D called us today from Camp Akeela.  The call quickly turned emotional.  He misses home.  We miss him.  The tough part was also receiving a letter from D in the mail.  His earlier letter was upbeat.  Today's letter was not.  They are pushing him on his social skills and that can not be comfortable for him. 

The Camp Akeela experience is also taking ME out of my comfort zone.  Historically I am a life fighter (losing your Dad at 17 will do that to you).  However as I've grown older,  life's adversities make me insular.  I drift quietly away from family and friends.

I remember first hearing the words Autism for my first born son.  That was tough.  I remember telling our parents.  That was tough.  We've had emotional moments with family and friends along this road.  I am giving all I can for D in every way.  Any Dad would.  Camp Akeela hopefully is another gift for us all.

I take a life lesson from my friend and fellow Dad, O.B. "A man knows how to handle adversity, how to meet it head on and how to get through it."

This is not football.  This is life.  Real life.

Re-thinking Autism: What is my Hope?

What exactly am I hoping comes out of this camp experience for my son?  Do I expect him to be cured?  A Harvard Research Study thinks that can be done.  I have never given an official cure that much thought.  Progress yes.  A cure? No.

Rethinking Autism captures the essence of Autism in adults.  It also captures effectively the feelings of those around & impacted by Autism.  Watching the British Open this weekend I learned that Ernie Els does a ton of work for Autism - Els for Autism.  Another Dad impacted by Autism through his son.

What is my hope?  My hope is that camp helps strengthen his social skills foundation.  A foundation for D now but especially as he matures into middle school and beyond.  My hope is that camp helps him navigate life's murky waters.  D as an adult seems so far away but I still need to help prepare him for life.  My hope is that camp makes D comfortable in his own skin and in the world around him.  My hope is that camp will help him thrive in life and not just survive.

In fact, my hopes may not be different from any other Dad - autism or not.

Out of Sight, Out of MY Mind

Funny day.    I finally felt RELAXED about Camp Akeela and with D being away from home.  Camp Akeela provides a parent portal to see photos and provide general camp updates.  I logged in today and saw TWO pictures of D.  These two photos actually showed him HAVING FUN.

Now I could be cynical and say this was a staged photo op.  But I wont :-)

The amount of photos I have with D showing a happy emotion and having fun.....I could count on one hand.  Seeing the photos provided a sense of relief that he is on the right path thus far and I pray for this to continue onward in the weeks ahead.

What I learned today:  When each member of our family unit is in a good state,  the family bond and core is in a good state.  As a Dad I know it is important for me to "have it all together" or at least demonstrate that I do.

Having D out of our family unit really hurt the core.  Each of his siblings have even expressed missing him.  Each one of us had to deal with the loss in our own way and it seems like we are now back to strengthening our family bond.

We wrapped up our day with an evening Family track meet  All the kids in the community run different events - 100 m, 200 m, 400 m and get "medals".  Parents can participate too.

My baby walked toward me after the races with an ice pop in her mouth.
She said (with 5 year old wild abandon), "Dad - can we get ice cream?"
I said (with Dad sensibility), "Um, aren't you already having dessert?"
She said (with conviction and a little bit of 'tude), "No Dad, this is just a Track Snack!!"  I had no response.

She was right - Ice Cream was a good way to celebrate this day.

2:22

I couldn't sleep last night.  I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 2:22 am - wide awake and thinking of D.  At that moment, I decided to pray for him.  Prayed that he was sleeping well, that he was not worried, scared, or in any way in any kind of trouble.  I prayed that his sleep was peaceful and I prayed for his day ahead.  I prayed that he has made friends and will experience some big belly laughs today. 

As a Dad that probably is my biggest worry - that my kids are safe. I've never wanted to see them hurt in any way (since birth).   That has been my biggest worry right now that D is well - safe and not in any way in harm's way.

He has a running saying of "Dad - you are too overprotective!" I have a standard response of "Yep, that is part of my job description!"  He doesn't get the joke but stubbornly knows I will always be an advocate for him.  Maybe the distance will be good for us?  Maybe not?  Whether he is near or far away his Dad is in his corner - in mind, body and spirit.

Camp Akeela - Drop Off Day

Today D started his 24 day stay at Camp Akeela.  Camp Akeela is designed for Asperger's kids and targets help improve their social skills.  I am hopeful this is a wonderful learning opportunity for D.  To learn, have fun, make friends, and lay a foundation to become the best person he can be.  He seemed to be excited for the camp.

As for me, I am excited for him too.  Below that excitement simmers a nervousness for my son. 
My son being on his own for the first time.  How will he cope?  If he gets scared at night who will be there to soothe him?  Who will help him? Will he fit in?  Will he make friends?  Will others make fun of him?  Take advantage of him?  I know I can't protect him forever and D lets me know that every day.  But the Dad in me wants him here, home with me.  Safe from the world.

I know this is a leap for D.   A leap for me too.  We received a call tonight telling us that D was doing well.  However he did have some moments where he was sad.  He told them he missed his family.  That crushed me.  The funny thing is on the way home from Vermonth all of his siblings expressed how they missed him too.  Even little A.  That touched me too - we recognized a cog in our family circle was missing.

On day 1 of this journey I am hopeful for a change in D in the coming weeks.  I am hopeful for a change in me too - learning to be a Dad of a growing 10 year old boy.  Lets see where this journey of emotions takes us over the next 24 days.  I'll chronicle it daily and will look for support through prayer and my social network community.

All Star Game, Fathers and Sons

As a kid, I have always enjoyed the Baseball All Star Game.  Seeing each of the team's uniforms, watching the best players and of course rooting for the Yankees and the American League.

JP has expressed lots of curiosity in baseball - particularly the strategy, statistics and the intricacies of the game.  Which is fascinating coming from a kid so young.

After reading this excellent article, "All Star Game, Fathers and Sons" I called JP at home.

We decided to go out to a restaurant and watch the baseball game together. 
We set ourselves up in front of the big screen at a local restaurant. 
We ordered ginger ale and drank like men!
We ordered chicken wings and Mac & Cheese.

JP moved his seat closer and asked if we could go to All Star Game next year.
He asked about my Yankees - Reggie Jackson, Thurman Munson, and Don Mattingly.
He asked if I got a chance to see Babe Ruth play (I chuckled and said no)
He asked why Sammy Sosa cheated (I had no true answer)
He promised he would never take Steroids. (I smiled to myself)

We watched the Yankees hit (just like I did when I was young)
We rushed home after the 3rd inning so we wouldn't miss a pitch.

A simple father and son moment....with baseball as the backdrop. 
I have 362 days to find All Star game tickets for next year.

A Grateful Dad

Not Fathers Day yet but I am grateful.  JP's gift was a "meat rub" (no pun intended).  After his baseball game, we grilled steak on the BBQ.  Not a bad pre-Fathers day dinner.

After dinner, we played soccer and baseball in the backyard.  The evening ended with my sitting on our back deck and watching the kids play til the sun set.  I admit - I dozed off for a minute (or two).  It was a peaceful evening.

Kids are now in bed (except A who is sitting on my lap).  I realized these quiet evenings don't come very often for us parents.  You may agree that we need to cherish these moments.  Cherish the quiet times with your kids as well as the quiet times to "smell the roses".  There was a couple of moments tonight when I looked out into the woods and I said to myself - "God is good!"

As a father I am grateful for many things.  Tonight is enjoying the calm before the Fathers Day storm.  There is peace, quiet, and joy in being a father - I am relearning that I just need to look for it.

Daddy and Me

The corresponding photo is from J's 5th birthday....Today she turns 12.  I feel bad for her being my first child because I am learning how to be a father through her.  Even now - I am learning not to parent her as if she is still 5 years old. 

My daughter is 12.  She needs me to be protective, loving, level-headed and give her freedom..... ALL AT THE SAME TIME.  I don't have it figured out - but I am learning a lot about me and how to be a family guide.

My daughter is creative.  I re-learned that again today when she baked the most BEAUTIFUL cupcakes for her class.  I drove her to school and we had a really good time.  We talked....well she talked and I listened.  That was good.  I know being the first is tough (just like me).....she has to be the leader of the kids.  Having a sibling with Autism can't be easy either.  But this morning......it was good.  I miss that daddy and me time with her.

As I look at the picture I wonder if I miss that five year old stage.  Or maybe I parent her as if she is still five years old?  Something to ponder as I celebrate the beautiful girl she has become.  Daddy and Me....forever we will be.

Always the Last Pick

Regular readers of Fatherhood Matters will know that I am a regular viewer of the NBC show, Parenthood.  Learning parenting skills for an Aspergers child is a passion for me and the weekly Braverman family struggles resonate each week.

A quote tonight from Max Braverman (son who has Aspergers) regarding why he was reluctant to play during gym class was "I always get picked last!" 

I worry about that for my son, D.  But when I was younger, I was exactly the opposite - NEVER picked last.  I struggle to relate with my son's social struggles and that bothers me.  How can I help him?

This week he made a first step to call a classmate and invite him over for a play date.  The excitement on awaiting the call back and confirmation of a date (THIS SUNDAY) was palpable for D.  I am happy and very proud of my son.

Now I wait.  I am extremely nervous for him on Sunday.  I pray that it goes well.  I will be the chaperone (I think a movie and some pizza are on the agenda).  I was emotional watching the play date for Max Braverman on TV.  I can't imagine how I will contain myself on Sunday.

I can't imagine how hard it is for him to make a phone call. 
I can't imagine how hard it is for him to socialize at school. 
I can't imagine how hard it is for him to make friends.
I can't imagine feeling like I am always picked last.

25 Years - Jack O'Leary Pasta Night / Scholarship

On Saturday night, January 28, I have the honor of attending the St. Clare's Jack O'Leary Pasta Night / Student Scholarship at St. Clare's School in New York.   This event has been held EVERY YEAR since my Dad's death (February 1988).

My kids "love going to pasta night" each year. It really is a blast for kids - loud music, buffet style food, dancing, raffle prizes!  The organizers (Mary Lou and Nat) really have done a tremendous job hosting and have kept this tradition alive.

To think that I have not seen my Dad in ALMOST 25 years feels weird to type.  There is a sense of loss that impacts me today especially knowing family and many friends did not have the chance to meet him.  However through that time a fighting spirit, a blessing and even a mantra developed within me saying in my life I will thrive not just survive.

I look forward to sitting back and watching my kids dance the night away.
If you can make it, I look forward to seeing you as well.
Nothing formal - just a time to live, laugh and love and think of Grandpa Jack.

EXCERPT FROM JACK OLEARY SCHOLARSHIP FLYER

What is the Jack O'Leary Scholarship?

This is an annual scholarship for two 8th grade students from St. Clare's who have shown both academic and athletic achievement throughout their grammar school career.  One boy and one girl are chosen and are the recipients of this scholarship each year at Graduation.

Who is Jack O'Leary?

Jack O'Leary was an active member of St. Clare's School and Church from 1975 until his death in 1988. He loved children and knew that a child would excel in school if given the gift of pride in him/herself and pride in his/her school.  He was not only a member and President of the Father's Club during his time here, he was also the reason why the sports programs at St. Clare's are so strong today. He set out and succeeded in resurrecting the boy’s basketball program in 1978, coaching boy’s junior varsity and varsity basketball teams and helping to organize and coach girl's basketball teams at both the varsity and junior varsity levels.  For Halloween, while many folks complained about the trouble that kids caused, Jack did something about it. He understood the need to keep students involved, so he started the Rag-A-Muffin Parade and Haunted House with the Father's Club.

Why a Pasta Night Dinner?

At the first Pasta Night, the Father's Club came together to cook a simple meal, pasta and salad, and gather as a community to laugh and strengthen the St. Clare's family.  This was because Jack O'Leary was a simple man who enjoyed the community of St. Clare's because of the friendships and laughter, which surrounded him here. He would not have wanted the recognition, but would have been honored by the fact that the men who knew him honored him most fittingly:  by giving to others.  Jack represented selflessness.  He was selfless in giving to the school, his community and anyone who ever came in contact with him.  When he wasn't volunteering at the school as a coach or dressing up for Halloween as Fozzy the Bear he was dressed as a clown entertaining handicapped and sick children. So, this was the beginning of a wonderful tradition of not only honoring this man for who he truly was, but for doing so by fostering the things that meant most to him, friendship.

Why is the tradition important?

Today more than ever it is important to celebrate the commitment of family and education.  It takes a community to raise a child and the most important community is the child's Church and school.  Jack's life is an example of the commitment to his family, his church and to humanity. It is a testament to how important a parent's involvement in the school is to the success and happiness of their children and all the children of the community.

The truth about Autism

10 years ago this past Thursday, D was born.  With his birth brought for the first time into my life vocabulary the word "autism".  I can honestly say he has challenged me intellectually, physically and emotionally.

Starting this blog five years ago - it was a tribute to David as well as an outlet for me, his Dad.  I re-read posts from five years ago and I invite you to read the post I made on his fifth birthday.  Funny, those same challenges and fears from five years ago - hold true for me today.  I am challenged like never before to help my son lead his life abudantly.

A colleague and friend shared with me the Boston Globe article - "The truth about Autism".

As Gareth Cook writes, "THERE IS, living among us, a group of people with remarkable intellectual gifts."  

Yes there is....and I am blessed to know him.

Occupy Wall Street

I haven't been home in 5 days and contrary to popular rumors, JohnnyO is not hunkered down at the Occupy Wall Street protests.  No power in Newtown has left us homeless for a the good part of a week.  I am not complaining mind you - you learn a little bit about yourself and your family in times of turmoil. 

For me, it is the handling of stress.  I believe I handle it well, take it in stride, make lemonade out of lemons.  When your Dad dies during your senior year of high school - you know where your priorities are and how you will live your life.

However for Dads overall - this can be a time of pressure.  Figuring out where to live, what is the next move, buy a generator, electrician, will the pipes freeze, will my home be vandalized, what about that tree in my front yard, is there basketball practice this weekend and how will I get to work (showered and shaved).

I feel I have to lead this team - this family team.  I have to be the rudder to guide this ship.  I am the straw that stirs the drink (thank you Reggie Jackson).  I have to have a level head, heart and soul.  So there is that pressure to keep it together in times of trouble.  I am striving on doing that for the kids.  I hope they enjoy this time together sleeping at in-laws.

I do a good job of hiding the inner mind turmoil.  I have to do better on exposing my struggles knowing that this is what all Dads go through.  Managing their team through a long season......wins and losses.  A game or battle more important than Wall Street....if you can believe that.

My Smooka

My Smooka is five years old today.
Not sure when, how, or why I came up with this nickname for my baby.  However, the term is found in the urban directory so it can't be all bad? :-)

It's a bitter sweet day.....I love the joy, passion, enthusiasm, and light she brings to her life (and mine).  But there is a sense of loss.  For me, 5 years old is a milestone of sorts - a new beginning or a new stage for her (starting school) and for me (losing my baby).

So I will celebrate her life (probably a trip to Friendlys is in order) and I will reflect on what this day means for me in my fatherhood road.

A Letter to Ciara

Today is my niece Ciara's birthday. Had she lived, she would be 1.

I vividly remember spending Easter Sunday in her room. This was two days before she died. While staring into her eyes and holding her hands, I kept whispering to her,
"I'm right here".

She was sick and battling so I don't know if she heard me or felt me. But I felt her and connected with her.

I find solace in reading "A Letter to Ciara" written by my brother in law to his daughter.

In reading this letter for him during Ciara's Eulogy, the below part is what I most struggled with:

"Throughout the high and lows I want you to know you were never alone.
We did everything good and bad together as a family with God guiding us along the way.
As I continue on in the race I want to thank you for teaching me to enjoy the simple things in life."
- excerpt from a Letter to Ciara (MV)

Thank you Ciara for teaching me about the simple things. You changed my life. You inspire me. I'm still right here, just missing you.

Fathers Day Blues

Fathers Day is a day to celebrate Fatherhood (from a non Dad perspective).
However If you are a Dad, Fathers Day has a different lens.
Today we celebrate, embrace and reminisce about our children.

There are challenges of being a Dad (JohnnyO vs the Lawn Mower)
There are celebrations like D winning 3rd place in his karate competition.
There are milestones like playing golf with JP for the first time today.
We had a walk to the lake today, a bike ride in the neighborhood and a game of Jenga with my little 4 yr old smooka. Not a bad day pre fathers day.

But I realized something today. I am sad. I have been sad since Jan 1. That date was a mark to let my niece Ciara live into 2011. She made it, but not for long.

I miss Ciara. I miss my Dad. Losing my Dad when I was 17 really hurt, I can never explain that pain. Losing Ciara for me was different. I feel extreme sadness.

Ciara's Dad, my brother in law, has been an inspiration for me this past year. He is a living example of how a Dad loves his child, unconditionally.

Don't waste an opportunity. Savor the good times. Earn your stripes during the bad times. I know starting today my fatherhood matters more than ever.

Facing Fear: Zac Smith Story

Funny on a day of new life (New Years Day), this video struck a chord with me. Maybe it was because he was a Dad with small kids. Maybe because he faced death at such a young age (33). Maybe with the start of a new year, it is a good reminder for me to savor every moment with my children. My mind has been consumed in the past months on another child in my life, my 6 month old niece. I am honored to look into her glorious eyes and witness her cheerful smile. I had the privilege to feed her (before she had a feeding tube) and hold her for an entire afternoon. This was one of the most wonderful yet difficult things I have ever done.

This video resonates with me by how Zac handled impending death. I wonder how my niece sees the world. I wonder how my Dad looked at the world prior to his death. I wonder if I could be strong in the face of death. Can I still give Glory to God through word and action? Could I be that strong?

Thank you God for giving me my niece. She is a living testimony (like Zac) that there is precious life through suffering.

In Search of Bobby Fischer

D and I have sporadically played chess over the last years. He picked up chess quickly and impressed me with his ability to accept the competitive challenge of chess. When he asks to play - I play....but can not gauge if that is "interesting" to him.

Most recently, JP has been reintroduced to chess - given his own chessboard and the book "chess for kids" (Thanks Abu & Ita!). He is like a sponge....literally read the entire book in one night....and re-read the book again last night.

We played chess the last two nights. If you can believe it - he got better on the second night (he pulled a castle move on me!).

I have a competitive nature (as some of you may know), so realizing this kid was REALLY PLAYING, I started to REALLY PLAY. Oh did I mention this kid is competitive and wild about sports like me? (smile).

Midway through our game, I looked up and saw my 6 year old across from me - PLAYING CHESS! I was impressed. I was shocked. I was touched. I was happy. My competitive juices reigned in, I just soaked up the moment. He might remember this game someday, he might not. But I always will. Thank you JP - I have found my Bobby Fischer.

LeBron James

For a Dad and his son, there is nothing better than having a catch. If you are follower of this blog you know one of my earliest posts was on this point - "Fathers Playing Catch with Sons" and my longing to have a catch with D.

This past week while picking up JP from Flag Football....D and I headed over the NYA and walked into the gym. Unexpectedly and without warning...D picked up the basketball and asked to shoot hoops with me. In minutes, we were engaged in a true one on one basketball game. I was impressed with his dribbling, his shooting and his speed. I was shocked at not only his skill but his willingness to play and engage with me.

Needing to catch my breath, I held the ball and asked him if he wanted water. He replied, "Nah". I said to him - "D, you are really great at dribbling and shooting!". He said, "Yeh, I guess Dad.....but that's what you taught me, right?"

Yes, son.... just like I taught you.

Parenthood Matters

The TV show Parenthood is definitely striking a personal heart string. I absolutely relate to the family (specifically the Dad) dealing with autism. I hope they continue to bring poignant storylines on this issue.

Most recently the show helps me realize how life moves fast and I FORGET about dealing with autism and I FORGET how far our family has come (or yet to go) This show brings back a lot of those feelings for me - feelings I need to deal with.

For instance, yesterday D had his first Karate competition. Two highlights for the day were: 1) D was in our backyard practicing his moves (literally breathless) before the competition 2)The utter joy/excitement/happiness I saw on his face when he received his ribbon for competing.

In the 9 years of D's life, I have never seen him this excited in preparation or conclusion of ANYTHING. That, was sad to me. But that is a reality of autism....a distancing of emotional and social connection.

He is connecting with Karate. He knows every move without hesitation. This is expected as he knows every state capital AND knows where every state falls geographically on a US map. Literal, factual stuff is an Aspergers thing.....don't ask him to "wait one minute"....because he will literally wait ONE MINUTE. :-).

I am coming to grips with learning about this world of Karate. I am also coming to grips with the Karate financial commitment (can it really be that expensive for a belt test?) but that is another blog :-)

Seeing him yesterday, he maintained focus - accomplished his 3 moves (i think brilliantly) WHILE being in a noisy hotel room filled with kids and parents is no small feat in his world (or mine). That is our parenthood reality.

For a moment he was connected with life's reality and it was good....really good.

Back To The Future

Been thinking about my Dad lately. Specifically thinking about the people who were around me during this time. There were folks outside of my immediate family who supported my family during the time of his sudden death. I am extremely thankful for them and I wanted to ensure I did thank them (even 22 years later) but honestly not sure how to do this - but will give it some thought.

Maybe I wonder how he would handle the challenges I am facing as a father to a child with autism. Maybe I would just like to have that beer with him and speak to him man to man (never got that chance). Maybe I feel cheated that he never did get to meet my wife or my children. Maybe I am grateful for the time I did have with him and more and more grow to appreciate that time. Posting here helps and I need to do that more.

Overall I definitely sense I am a lot like my Dad. But yet there are major differences as well. I am coming to grips with that as I get closer to his age when he died. He was 43.