Fatherhood Matters

25 Years - Jack O'Leary Pasta Night / Scholarship

2012-01-26T13:40:00.000-05:00

On Saturday night, January 28, I have the honor of attending the St. Clare's Jack O'Leary Pasta Night / Student Scholarship at St. Clare's School in New York. This event has been held EVERY YEAR since my Dad's death (February 1988).

My kids "love going to pasta night" each year. It really is a blast for kids - loud music, buffet style food, dancing, raffle prizes! The organizers (Mary Lou and Nat) really have done a tremendous job hosting and have kept this tradition alive.

To think that I have not seen my Dad in ALMOST 25 years feels weird to type. There is a sense of loss that impacts me today especially knowing family and many friends did not have the chance to meet him. However through that time a fighting spirit, a blessing and even a mantra developed within me saying in my life I will thrive not just survive.

I look forward to sitting back and watching my kids dance the night away.
If you can make it, I look forward to seeing you as well.
Nothing formal - just a time to live, laugh and love and think of Grandpa Jack.

EXCERPT FROM JACK OLEARY SCHOLARSHIP FLYER

What is the Jack O'Leary Scholarship?

This is an annualscholarship for two 8th grade students from St. Clare's who have shownboth academic and athletic achievement throughout their grammar schoolcareer. One boy and one girl are chosenand are the recipients of this scholarship each year at Graduation.

Who is Jack O'Leary?

Jack O'Leary was anactive member of St. Clare's School and Church from 1975 until his death in1988. He loved children and knew that a child would excel in school if giventhe gift of pride in him/herself and pride in his/her school. He was not only a member and President of the Father's Club during his time here, he was also the reason why the sportsprograms at St. Clare's are so strong today. He set out and succeeded inresurrecting the boy’s basketball program in 1978, coaching boy’s juniorvarsity and varsity basketball teams and helping to organize and coach girl'sbasketball teams at both the varsity and junior varsity levels. For Halloween, while many folks complainedabout the trouble that kids caused, Jack did something about it. He understoodthe need to keep students involved, so he started the Rag-A-Muffin Parade andHaunted House with the Father's Club.

Why a Pasta Night Dinner?

At the first PastaNight, the Father's Club came together to cook a simple meal, pasta and salad,and gather as a community to laugh and strengthen the St. Clare's family. This was because Jack O'Leary was a simpleman who enjoyed the community of St. Clare's because of the friendships andlaughter, which surrounded him here. He would not have wanted the recognition,but would have been honored by the fact that the men who knew him honored himmost fittingly: by giving toothers. Jack representedselflessness. He was selfless in givingto the school, his community and anyone who ever came in contact with him. When he wasn't volunteering at the school asa coach or dressing up for Halloween as Fozzy the Bear he was dressed as aclown entertaining handicapped and sick children. So, this was the beginning ofa wonderful tradition of not only honoring this man for who he truly was, butfor doing so by fostering the things that meant most to him, friendship.

Why is the tradition important?

Today more than ever it is important to celebrate thecommitment of family and education. Ittakes a community to raise a child and the most important community is thechild's Church and school. Jack's lifeis an example of the commitment to his family, his church and to humanity. Itis a testament to how important a parent's involvement in the school is to thesuccess and happiness of their children and all the children of the community.

The truth about Autism

2011-11-18T17:30:00.001-05:00

10 years ago this past Thursday, D was born. With his birth brought for the first time into my life vocabulary the word "autism". I can honestly say he has challenged me intellectually, physically and emotionally.

Starting this blog five years ago - it was a tribute to David as well as an outlet for me, his Dad. I re-read posts from five years ago and I invite you to read the post I made on his fifth birthday. Funny, those same challenges and fears from five years ago - hold true for me today. I am challenged like never before to help my son lead his life abudantly.

A colleague and friend shared with me the Boston Globe article - "The truth about Autism".

As Gareth Cook writes, "THERE IS, living among us, a group of people with remarkable intellectual gifts."

Yes there is....and I am blessed to know him.

Occupy Wall Street

2011-11-03T10:04:00.003-04:00

I haven't been home in 5 days and contrary to popular rumors, JohnnyO is not hunkered down at the Occupy Wall Street protests. No power in Newtown has left us homeless for a the good part of a week. I am not complaining mind you - you learn a little bit about yourself and your family in times of turmoil.

For me, it is the handling of stress. I believe I handle it well, take it in stride, make lemonade out of lemons. When your Dad dies during your senior year of high school - you know where your priorities are and how you will live your life.

However for Dads overall - this can be a time of pressure. Figuring out where to live, what is the next move, buy a generator, electrician, will the pipes freeze, will my home be vandalized, what about that tree in my front yard, is there basketball practice this weekend and how will I get to work (showered and shaved).

I feel I have to lead this team - this family team. I have to be the rudder to guide this ship. I am the straw that stirs the drink (thank you Reggie Jackson). I have to have a level head, heart and soul. So there is that pressure to keep it together in times of trouble. I am striving on doing that for the kids. I hope they enjoy this time together sleeping at in-laws.

I do a good job of hiding the inner mind turmoil. I have to do better on exposing my struggles knowing that this is what all Dads go through. Managing their team through a long season......wins and losses. A game or battle more important than Wall Street....if you can believe that.

My Smooka

2011-10-26T14:26:00.000-04:00

My Smooka is five years old today.
Not sure when, how, or why I came up with this nickname for my baby. However, the term is found in the urban directory so it can't be all bad? :-)

It's a bitter sweet day.....I love the joy, passion, enthusiasm, and light she brings to her life (and mine). But there is a sense of loss. For me, 5 years old is a milestone of sorts - a new beginning or a new stage for her (starting school) and for me (losing my baby).

So I will celebrate her life (probably a trip to Friendlys is in order) and I will reflect on what this day means for me in my fatherhood road.

A Letter to Ciara

2011-06-24T00:21:00.007-04:00

Today is my niece Ciara's birthday. Had she lived, she would be 1.

I vividly remember spending Easter Sunday in her room. This was two days before she died. While staring into her eyes and holding her hands, I kept whispering to her,
"I'm right here".

She was sick and battling so I don't know if she heard me or felt me. But I felt her and connected with her.

I find solace in reading "A Letter to Ciara" written by my brother in law to his daughter.

In reading this letter for him during Ciara's Eulogy, the below part is what I most struggled with:

"Throughout the high and lows I want you to know you were never alone.
We did everything good and bad together as a family with God guiding us along the way.
As I continue on in the race I want to thank you for teaching me to enjoy the simple things in life."
- excerpt from a Letter to Ciara (MV)

Thank you Ciara for teaching me about the simple things. You changed my life. You inspire me. I'm still right here, just missing you.

Fathers Day Blues

2011-06-19T01:14:00.003-04:00

Fathers Day is a day to celebrate Fatherhood (from a non Dad perspective).
However If you are a Dad, Fathers Day has a different lens.
Today we celebrate, embrace and reminisce about our children.

There are challenges of being a Dad (JohnnyO vs the Lawn Mower)
There are celebrations like D winning 3rd place in his karate competition.
There are milestones like playing golf with JP for the first time today.
We had a walk to the lake today, a bike ride in the neighborhood and a game of Jenga with my little 4 yr old smooka. Not a bad day pre fathers day.

But I realized something today. I am sad. I have been sad since Jan 1. That date was a mark to let my niece Ciara live into 2011. She made it, but not for long.

I miss Ciara. I miss my Dad. Losing my Dad when I was 17 really hurt, I can never explain that pain. Losing Ciara for me was different. I feel extreme sadness.

Ciara's Dad, my brother in law, has been an inspiration for me this past year. He is a living example of how a Dad loves his child, unconditionally.

Don't waste an opportunity. Savor the good times. Earn your stripes during the bad times. I know starting today my fatherhood matters more than ever.

Facing Fear: Zac Smith Story

2011-01-01T16:11:00.005-05:00

Funny on a day of new life (New Years Day), this video struck a chord with me. Maybe it was because he was a Dad with small kids. Maybe because he faced death at such a young age (33). Maybe with the start of a new year, it is a good reminder for me to savor every moment with my children. My mind has been consumed in the past months on another child in my life, my 6 month old niece. I am honored to look into her glorious eyes and witness her cheerful smile. I had the privilege to feed her (before she had a feeding tube) and hold her for an entire afternoon. This was one of the most wonderful yet difficult things I have ever done.

This video resonates with me by how Zac handled impending death. I wonder how my niece sees the world. I wonder how my Dad looked at the world prior to his death. I wonder if I could be strong in the face of death. Can I still give Glory to God through word and action? Could I be that strong?

Thank you God for giving me my niece. She is a living testimony (like Zac) that there is precious life through suffering.

In Search of Bobby Fischer

2010-12-30T10:23:00.002-05:00

D and I have sporadically played chess over the last years. He picked up chess quickly and impressed me with his ability to accept the competitive challenge of chess. When he asks to play - I play....but can not gauge if that is "interesting" to him.

Most recently, JP has been reintroduced to chess - given his own chessboard and the book "chess for kids" (Thanks Abu & Ita!). He is like a sponge....literally read the entire book in one night....and re-read the book again last night.

We played chess the last two nights. If you can believe it - he got better on the second night (he pulled a castle move on me!).

I have a competitive nature (as some of you may know), so realizing this kid was REALLY PLAYING, I started to REALLY PLAY. Oh did I mention this kid is competitive and wild about sports like me? (smile).

Midway through our game, I looked up and saw my 6 year old across from me - PLAYING CHESS! I was impressed. I was shocked. I was touched. I was happy. My competitive juices reigned in, I just soaked up the moment. He might remember this game someday, he might not. But I always will. Thank you JP - I have found my Bobby Fischer.

LeBron James

2010-12-15T01:02:00.003-05:00

For a Dad and his son, there is nothing better than having a catch. If you are follower of this blog you know one of my earliest posts was on this point - "Fathers Playing Catch with Sons" and my longing to have a catch with D.

This past week while picking up JP from Flag Football....D and I headed over the NYA and walked into the gym. Unexpectedly and without warning...D picked up the basketball and asked to shoot hoops with me. In minutes, we were engaged in a true one on one basketball game. I was impressed with his dribbling, his shooting and his speed. I was shocked at not only his skill but his willingness to play and engage with me.

Needing to catch my breath, I held the ball and asked him if he wanted water. He replied, "Nah". I said to him - "D, you are really great at dribbling and shooting!". He said, "Yeh, I guess Dad.....but that's what you taught me, right?"

Yes, son.... just like I taught you.

Parenthood Matters

2010-10-17T08:08:00.003-04:00

The TV show Parenthood is definitely striking a personal heart string. I absolutely relate to the family (specifically the Dad) dealing with autism. I hope they continue to bring poignant storylines on this issue.

Most recently the show helps me realize how life moves fast and I FORGET about dealing with autism and I FORGET how far our family has come (or yet to go) This show brings back a lot of those feelings for me - feelings I need to deal with.

For instance, yesterday D had his first Karate competition. Two highlights for the day were: 1) D was in our backyard practicing his moves (literally breathless) before the competition 2)The utter joy/excitement/happiness I saw on his face when he received his ribbon for competing.

In the 9 years of D's life, I have never seen him this excited in preparation or conclusion of ANYTHING. That, was sad to me. But that is a reality of autism....a distancing of emotional and social connection.

He is connecting with Karate. He knows every move without hesitation. This is expected as he knows every state capital AND knows where every state falls geographically on a US map. Literal, factual stuff is an Aspergers thing.....don't ask him to "wait one minute"....because he will literally wait ONE MINUTE. :-).

I am coming to grips with learning about this world of Karate. I am also coming to grips with the Karate financial commitment (can it really be that expensive for a belt test?) but that is another blog :-)

Seeing him yesterday, he maintained focus - accomplished his 3 moves (i think brilliantly) WHILE being in a noisy hotel room filled with kids and parents is no small feat in his world (or mine). That is our parenthood reality.

For a moment he was connected with life's reality and it was good....really good.

Back To The Future

2010-10-14T16:31:00.002-04:00

Been thinking about my Dad lately. Specifically thinking about the people who were around me during this time. There were folks outside of my immediate family who supported my family during the time of his sudden death. I am extremely thankful for them and I wanted to ensure I did thank them (even 22 years later) but honestly not sure how to do this - but will give it some thought.

Maybe I wonder how he would handle the challenges I am facing as a father to a child with autism. Maybe I would just like to have that beer with him and speak to him man to man (never got that chance). Maybe I feel cheated that he never did get to meet my wife or my children. Maybe I am grateful for the time I did have with him and more and more grow to appreciate that time. Posting here helps and I need to do that more.

Overall I definitely sense I am a lot like my Dad. But yet there are major differences as well. I am coming to grips with that as I get closer to his age when he died. He was 43.

Anniversary Present

2010-07-18T21:22:00.003-04:00

Kids came through with an interactive high tech anniversary presentation. Created on their own using powerpoint. Take a look at PDF version. It doesn't give the interactivity and presentation justice.....but hopefully my sense of PROUD comes shining through. Thanks Kids!

Arthur discusses Aspergers Syndrome

2010-03-29T10:21:00.005-04:00

I found the below clip interesting and very empathetic by the creators of the cartoon, Arthur. They have introduced a character with Aspergers Syndrome.

Want to play a Game?

2010-02-15T23:29:00.003-05:00

Chess has always intrigued D. On Saturdays when time allows we go to the library where they have an open chess club. This past Saturday the boys were excited to go and upon arriving at the library the boys scanned the room. There was 8-10 young boys (ages ranging from 7 - 14) along with 6 adults. Once a table became free, D's eyes lit up and he was ready to give it a shot. An 11 year old boy invited D to play and cautiously I watched this play out. Knowing this boy played chess often, I did not know what to expect. My concern was that D knew how to play the chess pieces but not necessarily how to protect them (the strategy behind the game).

I watched as my son played his first competitive chess match. There were many wins for him throughout the game (what glee in his eyes when he captured the bishop). But as time continued on, D was left with only his king and 3 pawns. Tears started to well in his eyes knowing defeat was upon him. I let D know he could keep playing or he could drop his king and say "good game" to his competitor. I truly expected a complete meltdown and a table to be overthrown (pieces flying everywhere). D extended his hand (grudgingly) and a lesson was learned. Withing 5 minutes, JP jumped in and played with D and life moved forward (brother against brother).

A lesson was learned that day. As another adult said to me as he watched this game play out, "It is never easy to lose, losing still hurts and we are adults". I don't like watching my kids lose. Yet today's loss felt so much like a win. A leap of faith for D to play, lose, and play again. Sounds like a winning combination to me.

Karate Kid

2010-02-13T22:44:00.003-05:00

D is a Karate Master. Well, I am not sure about the exact discipline but he is currently training in a form of Shaolin Kung Fu. Today, D completed an intensive 45 minute test and received his YELLOW BELT.

I watched the entire session while the rest of the family went shopping. Now I know why I needed to be alone. Throughout the session I continually choked up and cried. There was a sense of fatherly pride. There was a sense of shock in seeing his attention, interaction and discipline. Mostly, I was overcome with a realization of how far a road we have traveled. Today was a step forward.

We closed the day with a celebratory trip to Pizza Hut and watched the movie, "Karate Kid". David and I entwined under a blanket on the couch giggling to the instructions "wax on, wax off". During a "fight scene" I looked at D and said, "What's he doing?". D said, "He's doing my moves!".

Today was a day the student became a teacher.
Well done son....well done.

Autism Clusters

2010-01-04T14:05:00.005-05:00

Good media on the development of autism clusters. Autism is more prevalent in educated white families. Lets see where this heads.

Writing Study Ties Autism to Motor-Skill Problems

2009-12-02T10:29:00.002-05:00

This article from NPR (and related podcast) is a must read for autistic parents.

Interestingly enough, last night I pushed D on his fork using habits. He knows how to do it....but struggles to do it. Socially his eating habit looks in appropriate.

This article speaks to my greatest fears for my son....."being the last person picked in kickball"

Doug Flutie # 22

2009-11-20T14:18:00.003-05:00

22 is my favorite number. Maybe Doug Flutie's Hail Mary pass had something to do with it? Recently coming across his autistic son's website (dougflutiejrfoundation.org) brought back memories.

We had a tumultuous couple of weeks for D - surgery, parties, lots of attention and noise - he finally seems to be in rhythm. I invited him out with me last evening and we actually had a conversation. He was engaging, open, insightful and responsive. This truly may have been THE BEST conversation we ever had in his 8 years of life. He also woke up the next morning "bright eyed and bushy tailed". It was truly a conversion. THAT is what keeps me going.

I have a lot more to learn about D and a lot to learn about autism.
Can we focus more on dietary impacts? Yes
Can we focus more on environmental impacts? Yes
Can we do this while staying sane? Yes - with the help of friends, family and the social networks out there.

Thank you Doug Flutie. Maybe you will give me more than just # 22.

Super Duper Pooper

2009-09-14T15:30:00.003-04:00

Abi finally did poop in the potty yesterday.

Simple - yes.

TMI - yes.

Life milestones slowly being checked off - yes.

8 Years Ago

2009-09-11T01:13:00.002-04:00

Sept 11 will always have signifigance for me. My father worked at the World Trade Center. I spent time there with him "behind the sheetrock" of the Twin Towers (he worked for NY Telephone). A small piece of me was lost 8 years ago today.

It saddens me that I will never be able to take my kids to see "where Grandpa Jack worked"

As a parent, I look back 8 years ago. J was our only child. Rachel was pregnant with D. Today all 4 kids go to some sort of school program. Life moves forward. We move with it. Gaining and losing pieces as we go.

The First Time

2009-09-08T20:15:00.002-04:00

We wrapped up an adventurous summer with a trip to a Lake George Log Cabin (courtesy of the Vanda-Leary's). This was the first time J, D and JP were on a boat. We realized that as the boat was hitting full throttle. We wrapped up the evenings with campfires and smores.

My children are receiving life experiences at different times in their life than I received. I am enjoying watching them do things for the first time. The excitement, pure joy, innocence and wonder.

I am looking to bottle this formula for all of us kids (young and old) to experience again and again.

Seizing Dad and Son Moments

2009-09-04T19:53:00.010-04:00

The kids returned to school this week. J in 4th. D in 3rd and JP starting kindergarten (see photo). We celebrated the start of a new school year with a trip to Cold Stone Creamery.

After returning home, everyone came inside except D. He was dribbling a basketball outside. I listened and then watched....he was really dribbling!! He caught me standing there at the door watching him. He stopped and said, "Hey Dad, want to play?". I nearly pulled a hamstring muscle running to play with him (hey, I waited years for this moment to arrive). We each took turns dribbling and then passed the ball back and forth. I was in shock - realizing this is VERY RARE to play catch with D (read earlier post). We then played a game of 1 on 1. He laughed heartily as he repeatedly stole the ball from me.

We finished and started to walk inside, D said "Hey Dad, how about we play some baseball?". My jaw dropped. "OF COURSE!", I said (as darkness quickly approached). I pitched as D hit balls far into the night. I ran after the ball as D ran around the bases. After about 10 straight hits, I said, "OK, buddy ONE MORE". D said, "OK Dad, one more crushing homer". I like the confidence, I thought to myself. I pitched and you know what.....he crushed it!

With beads of sweat on our brow we walked arm in arm back into the house. I looked at D as he said, "Dad, that was so much fun I did not want it to end!". Starting to choke up, I composed myself quickly and said, "me too buddy, me too".

Kids with Autism, Graduate, Achieve Dreams

2009-07-02T14:37:00.002-04:00

The article title really sums it up for me - Kids with Autism, Graduate, Achieve Dreams.

Every parent has dreams for their children.

For me, the autism word hit me like a rock and the greatest fear is that those dreams would not be realized. My dreams for my children change over the years (from wanting them to be a professional baseball player to simply being happy then to back being a baseball player again)

I am learning to love and let go....and the fine art of balancing that. A healthy balance to support those dreams....whatever they may be and whatever hurdles come our way.

Dad Experiment: Final Thoughts

2009-06-02T22:53:00.002-04:00

I learned A LOT about each of my children these past 4 days

Let me share FOUR:
1. J needs independance as well as daddy protection.....on her terms (So, maybe i can be a little flexible with bedtime in conjunction with reading to her in my arms)
2. D needs me to love him for who he is and what he likes. (Sports IS MY THING....not HIS THING). So I will learn to love what he loves....he told me this summer he wants to do Astronomy and Chess with me.
3. JP needs exercise every day. He has a lot of energy and needs to work it off - this weekend we literally played baseball, football, basketball and soccer CONSECUTIVELY. Need to encourage his athleticism.
4. A is extremely bright. Very engaging with language and play in a group or solo. Loves to have bare feet and I suspect she will be athletic as well.

They know this time is over. Each of them wanted a BIG HUG and be placed in a HOT DOG Blanket tonight. I blessed each of them, gave them LOVE POWER and told them how much I enjoyed this time with them.

Final comment from J - "Dad, I am going to miss you when you go back to work"

You know what....I miss them already.

Tired Dad = Happy Kids

2009-06-02T11:02:00.003-04:00

Last Day of flying solo with the kids. Happenings were unexpected but with 12 more hours to go, hoping for a smooth landing :-)

Very simply, I am tired. Not so much physically. But mentally drained on keeping up on homework, drop off times, play dates, more homework, snacks, meals, who likes what food, diaper changes, wardrobe changes....basically managing it all.

Honestly - I love them more today than yesterday. It's hard to explain (unless you are a Dad) but I truly love being with them. As a Dad, I don't do that consistently (its hard to with work) so these moments (even unexpected) I am trying to step it up. There is a certain sense of guilt of not being around for every life moment....but I am coming to grips with that.

Let's see what the rest of the day has to offer...

A Weekend Experiment: Dad plus 4 Kids

2009-05-31T10:17:00.002-04:00

Today is the start of Day 2 with my kiddies.

Yesterday was filled with lots of playtime outside - we played football and baseball.

I carved out a 20 minute nap. While I enjoyed my nap, my daughter called my wife to let her know I was indeed taking a nap (busted!)

We had pizza at Big Y for dinner. Seemed successful - although I got a lot of sympathetic looks from the employees and other customers.

We watched the beginning of a movie - Night at the Museum I - while eating dessert. Kids down for sleep by 9 pm - a little later than usual :-)

We woke up bright and early by 8 am with 2 wet beds, one child who will remain nameless removed her diaper.

This morning started with a bath for 2 of the 4 kids. Then we ate Cinnamon French Toast, Apples and Juice. I got a cheer for "making the best French Toast in the world!!"

Day 2 brings along some nice weather and a planned trip to the pool at Nanna and Poppy's house.

Maybe I need some coffee?

4 Days, 4 Kids, 1 Dad

2009-05-30T10:55:00.002-04:00

I have completed 5 hours of spending 4 days with the kids......alone! (queue dramatic background music). So far we have made it through breakfast (donuts, organic waffles and fruit) and 3 spilled drinks.

I look forward to spending time with my kids. During the week I don't see them as often, so weekends are special for me. It seems every week I look to reconnect. This will be an experiment for all of us. We will try to balance fun and work (trying to get that coverage for Monday and Tuesday) and sunshine and playing and meals and naps and schoolwork. While we miss mom (she is in FL), we know she is spending 4 days getting refreshed and replenished after 40 years of life.

If you have empathy for me.....wish me the best.
If you don't.....um, wish me the best anyway.

I will keep you posted on developments through facebook and twitter.

1/2 day complete....7 more 1/2 days to go.....but who's counting (smile)

Thomas the Tank Engine Helps Autistic Kids

2009-05-28T10:00:00.003-04:00

I have been thinking about autism a lot lately. I think it is because D is getting older. Concerns arise in my mind of a "tween" D and the challenges or opportunities that will bring. My heart and mind are hopeful there will continue to be progress. I know there will be pain too and I am not blind to that. But looking forward to continuing to connect with my boy.

Thomas the Tank Engine brings back memories for me. Especially memories of when D was younger and had an obsession with wheels (toy cars, trains, etc...). I suggest reading - "Thomas the Tank Engine helps autistic kids identify emotions". It's a good article & worth the read.

Joy and Pain

2009-05-08T00:29:00.002-04:00

One thing I learned about being a Dad is that each day is filled with new opportunities as well as challenges.

The Joy....
Today JP had school orientation. New school for him and for our family. He told me he loved it "ONE THOUSAND PERCENT".

This past weekend, David celebrated his first Holy Communion. During the ceremony, he read the Prayer of the Faithful in front of the entire congregation...FLAWLESSLY. There were awkward social moments (sign of peace), but overall a successful event for all of us.

The Pain...
Yesterday was David's Poetry Tea at school. Each student took turns reading 2 short poems at the podium. For David...he approached the podium awkwardly. He held the podium and looked like he was going to start reading. Then he looked up at the audience (mistake) and just froze. He muttered, "this is embarassing" and completely froze. The other kids said "come on David, you can do it!" After 2 minutes, his eyes began to water. This moment was (and continues to be) extremely painful for me. I am deeply saddened by it. What hurts me the most is that in THAT MOMENT, I had NO IDEA how to help him. I can not forget the look on his face of despair, fear and anxiety. I did NOTHING. The teacher tried to comfort him while Rachel read his poems to the class to complete the poetry tea party. Everyone clapped! Folks went to eat cheese and crackers while in the corner David and my wife were crying. Within minutes, David is having crackers and fruit and interacting (in his way) with the other kids.

After school, David came home and asked "Hey Dad, want to play basketball?" We shot hoops together, we laughed and he made a basket.

It seems to be a small blip on his radar. Yet I am still sad.

I do know that I have not posted in some time. Maybe I was being complacent with his progress? This was a wake up call for me to push forward - for me and for him.

Family Math Night

2009-02-12T20:21:00.003-05:00

I bonded tonight with J. We enjoyed time at Math Night (am i a geek or what?)! Maybe it is just me - but I get VERY emotional when spending time with my daughter. There is a powerful bond between Dad and daughter. I have a lot to learn but I find being with her is good - very good for both of us.

I had a blast.....but don't trust my word ...read my guest's comments :-)

Jack O'Leary Pasta Night

2009-01-29T00:18:00.002-05:00

22nd Annual Jack O'Leary Pasta Night was held on Saturday at St. Clare's School in the Bronx, NY. This event has been held since the year of my Dad's death in 1988. D was sick this year so I went with my mom and 2 of 4 kiddies. They had a blast since the Chaluisan girls joined us.

My kids "love pasta night". It really is a blast for kids - loud music, food, dancing, raffles. The reality is that it is all about the children. Passing the legacy of my father - a servant for family, friends, and community on to the next generations.

Maybe that is my reality? Building on the legacy of my father before me.

Fatherhood Talk

2009-01-22T09:07:00.002-05:00

I had a good talk with the kids last night. Well, at least that is my opinion.
The talk centered around 2 things:
1 - Respecting yourself and others
2 - Inauguration of Barack Obama

The goal was to ensure they were being respectful to everyone but most especially their family. They are blessed to have each other and I know they love each other just by their actions. However sometimes life gets in the way. Let's see how much sticks for an 8, 7 and 4 year old.

I was pleased to know that they also watched the presidential inauguration at school. D was very expressive in letting me know about Obama and Biden. He also very clearly told me that Obama was the 44th president but the 1st African-American president. It was beautiful to hear.

In both instances, I hope they not only heard/saw but truly understand.

Fatherhood.org

2009-01-19T22:08:00.003-05:00

Not sure if you can learn fatherhood from reading (online or offline). But I am willing to give it a try. Although, I agree you can be inspired by learning tips, tricks and ideas. Fatherhood for me has been evolutionary. From thinking babies come FLYING OUT (me wearing a catchers mitt) of the womb. To currently trying to communicate with my soon to be 9 year old daughter (not the same communication as when she is 2).

So I will give these websites a chance:
fatherhood.org - National Fatherhood Institute
fatherhood.gov - National Fatherhood Clearinghouse

But this blog (and others out there like this) are the place where we can build up our resources to make fatherhood matter.

Coping with an Autistic Brother

2009-01-15T22:46:00.003-05:00

I invite you to read this interesting article from NPR.....or better yet listen to its corresponding podcast.

I read this and wonder how my daughter feels.
One quote was striking, "...her brother's diagnosis has affected every aspect of her life from the time he was born."

I guess I also wonder how I cope as a Dad.

Fatherhood

2009-01-14T18:33:00.002-05:00

Sunday I had a blast with JP. He joined me while I was a referee at 2 games. He truly enjoys watching the games - you can see the intensity in his eyes as he watches.

Afterwards we watched the Giants lose, we watched a lacrosse game, we played one on one basketball, we shared a pretzel, we had some gatorade. We finally called it a day. We spent 5 hours together.

The key was spending time together. I loved it and hopefully he did too. Nothing out of the ordinary - just time. Fatherhood.

New Year, New Words

2009-01-11T10:01:00.002-05:00

A refers to siblings as JackA, Day Day, and Ju Ju. Well, that was 2008.

2009 she has grasped full names. Oh, with complete sentences too.

Knows proper usage for Why? and What?

Full mastery on how to hold a mobile phone (and make calls).

More gray hairs are coming :-)

Failure to Communicate (or Understand)

2008-12-28T01:59:00.003-05:00

Interesting Points of View from my 9 yr old daughter:

Dad: I setup an email account for you - want to use it?
Daughter: I can only use my email after you buy me a laptop computer!

Me: What do you think about getting a Wii for the family?
Daughter: Dad, we can only play Wii if you buy us a flat screen TV!

Both of these comments came within 24 hours. Can you picture the look on my face?

Resources for Dads

2008-12-27T23:37:00.000-05:00

I am in the process of gathering online (and offine) resources for Dads. Books, websites, articles - anything of interest for engaged Dads. If you have websites to share - send a comment.

Christmas Morning

2008-12-25T08:10:00.003-05:00

A glimpse into an EARLY Christmas morning.... (Did I say it was EARLY???)

Stocking Stuffer

2008-12-25T08:07:00.003-05:00

Letter from Big Sister to each of her brothers (found in their stockings). Speechless Dad.

Getting Bullied on a Daily Basis

2008-12-23T00:20:00.002-05:00

One of my biggest fears for David is his being bullied. The article: "Kids with Asperger's Syndrome: Being Bullied on a Daily Basis" really touched me with points to consider.

I guess my biggest fear was not necessarily now but during the middle school years. That is where a lot of concern lies for me as a Dad and we as parents. Your worries are not ONLY in the now stage, but in "the what will happen when he is stage.

I balance these fears with the POWER moments. Tonight, David and I completed a mind game puzzle together. Well he actually did it (I was there for moral support). I know I loved just being with him. I sensed he loved it too.

After puzzle time, I played catch with A, talked with J about her day (while holding her) and helped JuJu go peepee (when he woke up at 11 pm).

You know what, maybe I won't worry so much (who has time)

Wondering About Aspergers

2008-12-19T18:11:00.003-05:00

Our latest concerns surround the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome. David has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS but it has been on our hearts for some time that Aspergers may be reality for him. Read the symptoms ..... and if you know David....then what would you think?

It's another body blow to take on as a Dad. I trudge on. Life is not dull. David is strong and we will move forward.....together.

Perception IS Reality

2008-12-17T13:17:00.002-05:00

David has been struggling with fitting in. My struggle as his Dad is understanding what he is facing. More specifically trying to get to his level and understand his view of the world. It is painful to see him be ostracized (or feel like that). It is painful for me to not be able to help (i suspect every dad's dilemma)

His interaction with his siblings and friends seem to be fine. There are definitely some awkward moments (sensory issues - touching, hugging, extreme yelling, emotional or over-reaction). So as an outsider - looks can be deceiving.

He has communicated that he feels left out at school. HIS PERCEPTION is others are forming groups and leaving him out. The facts are still coming in. These groups may be forming but what is being perceived as an intentional slight (to him) is nothing more than a group of kids playing together (or eating lunch together).

So my struggle is when to protect or push. My anxiety is worrying about him being bullied. I don't have an answer right now. Seeking wisdom through prayer and seeking support through community.

Cherish the Good Days

2008-12-15T20:03:00.003-05:00

Today was a good day. Not so much for me (tired), or for Rachel (feeling sick) - but a good day of social interactions with David. In fact it has been a good 24 hours (since last night).

If you are a parent of a child on the autism spectrum - you understand.

Last night I made strawberry milk for the boys. This was a first time drink for David.
Upon drinking he said, "Dad, thanks for the strawberry milk..... JP and I love you".
This wasn't silly talk or a common reaction from him.

For the first time in 7 years - I knew he truly meant saying those 3 words to me.

Tonight, upon arriving home we had our silly rambunctious play (Dad and all 4 kids).
I had dinner while the kids were having dessert (homemade cake from the kids)
I started my standard questions regarding the day for David. But today I asked
"Did you have any special visitors today?" David replied with his face beaming, "Yeah, Mom! She did a presentation in my class" I asked (feeling bold), "How did you feel seeing her?" David replied while giggling "Very happy!" We talked about the rest of his day, he went through the rest of bed time routine, told me that JP was doing poops.

The word that came to mind regarding our interaction was that he was ENGAGED. He was uncharacteriscally VERY socially engaged.

Engaging with my son has been a long time prayer of mine. A simple prayer just for a moment. I feel grateful and blessed on this day. I will cherish this day hoping this will be one moment in a lifetime of many moments. I will continue to pray in Jesus' name for change in David's life and especially change in mine.

Females in Training (FIT)

2008-12-13T13:08:00.002-05:00

Hats off to Jaclyn and Rachel who ran & finished a 5K last Sunday in New Milford, CT. The weather was freezing! Yet, they still perservered and did it! I am so proud of both of them. Proud of Jaclyn for:

- Sticking with the FIT program and completing her goal.

- Trying a new experience and meeting new people.

- Being athletic and aware of fitness

Proud of Rachel for:

- Commitment to fitness for the family

- Being a leader for Jaclyn

- Doing all of this WHILE being a mother of 4 along with working, teaching, GS leading, etc... (major props!)

We (the rest of the gang) cheered them on along the finish line. We played in the snow while we waited and as a Dad I hope it reinforced a couple of things:

1. fitness as part of our family (healthy mind, spirit and body)

2. supporting other family members (through good and bad weather)

3. take time to celebrate these times (All Aboard Pizza Shop with Abu & Ita)

Daily Routines and Autism

2008-11-19T20:42:00.002-05:00

"Children with autism are focused on a daily routine with fixed habits and familiar surroundings. ...changes to their daily routine can be very disruptive, shattering their feeling of security and triggering unexpected behavior, experts say. " - cnn.com

I read the above article and I couldn't even imagine suffering the loss of our home. Not the home itself but the sense of safety, comfort, and the sense of "being home". Mostly when I read the above article I thought about David. I remember our struggle when we moved in 2006 to our current home. Immediate after purchase and prior to moving in, we brought the family to the house. This was specifically for David's benefit - so that he could gain a sense of safety and familiarity. We were aided by wonderful neighbors who shared their Legos (which helped shape a sense of normality). He resisted at first. But I am deeply proud of him and how he has handled transitions (this is beyond painful for him).

David's routines have included:
- regular seat at the kitchen table for EVERY meal
- apple and waffle for breakfast EVERY morning

When he was younger, we often could not bring him to new places/homes, loud auditoriums, or crowded places. These were difficult times.

I read the article above and I understand. I know where they stand. I feel for this family.

David: I am very proud of you. I am proud of what you have overcome. I am proud of the boy you have become. I am proud of you because you have perservered through change. I have seen growth in your struggle to deal with adversity (quote from grandpa jack).

I am BEYOND honored to be your Dad.

Stick and Stones

2008-10-13T08:40:00.002-04:00

Thursday afternoon was tough for me. While at work, I learned JP fell off a swing and broke his elbow. I found myself not only worried about his physical health, but also wanted to be with him. I felt very guilty about not being there for him. Not being there to catch him when he fell. In fact, when I think about it now, it bothers me and makes me sad.

I know in reality I can not be with my kids through every moment throughout their life. But I take pride in being there. I wasn't and I am coming to grips with that.

Actual exchange when I arrived home.

Dad: JP, sorry I wasn't here for you today Buddy, when you fell...
JP: Dad, that's okay, next time I won't hold my pumpkin while on the swing. Did you see my blue cast? It's only on for a little while....5 weeks.

Fruits of My Loin: AN UPDATE

2008-10-07T00:02:00.005-04:00

David rode a two-wheel bike for the first time this past Sunday. He also says he has a "wiggly tooth".

PERSONAL NOTE:
I got "Stumped by the Schwab" tonight in a cause to help out the Cardinal Shehan Center. The Shehan Center in Bridgeport, CT is a wonderful organization supporting kids athletics. This short post reminds me to start "tweeting".

Fruits of My Loin

2008-10-03T10:04:00.002-04:00

I noticed something recently. I get emotional at the SMALLEST things my children do. Maybe they seem small to me - but they are big for my children. For example, this past month included David shooting and making his first basket in our backyard. When it went through the net, I jumped up and down like he won the NBA championship. I wouldn't let him see me cry. Now he loves to "play hoops". In fact he has gotten a hoop two more times. This is a big step for him. We learned a lot about David through this experience (this is a future blog post).

JP also just learned to ride his bike WITHOUT training wheels. When I pushed him around the yard and he was able to peddle without help....oh boy, my tears started flowing.

Maybe I am getting soft in my old age? Maybe I am getting too sentimental about these things? Maybe my kids bring out the inner child within me? Maybe fatherhood does matter....

We have a failure to Communicate

2008-09-20T00:40:00.003-04:00

A New School Year and more Fatherhood Matters. As other parents out there understand - it is unbelievable to see the emotional and intellectual growth in your children. As a Dad with daughters and sons (all different ages), I constantly need to modify my communication style. So even though I mentally cant comprehend (or accept) my oldest is in 3rd grade....I need to work to change my communication style. No longer can I talk to her as a toddler, but now I must speak with respect to her as a young girl. A girl with feelings, emotions, thoughts, feedback and a beautiful mind. I know this Dad is trying to figure it all out. I suspect this will be a continous life challenge with all my kids. Any wisdom out there? :-)

Cousins - Summer Memories 2007

2008-06-21T15:00:00.002-04:00

Father's Day - My 4 Gifts

2008-06-16T16:46:00.006-04:00

Father's Day started by playing golf at Centennial Golf Club with 3 great Dads (Cap, Viani, Suarez) whom I have known since my 1st year of college.

Yesterday was emotional for me. I am not sure why. I loved golf in the morning. But I missed my kids terribly. Driving from the golf course, I was excited to see my kids. I arrived home to an empty house. I felt lonely and incomplete.

When the kids arrived home, I was beyond ecstatic. I opened their gifts (see picture). I choked up and was ready to cry. Is it possible to cry over a homemade card in the shape of jacket and tie?

My children are my gift. I want to celebrate each of them. Jaclyn asked, "Dad, did you get all the balls in the hole?". My response, "I sure did, my sweetie!"

Our First Yankee Game

2008-06-12T21:23:00.003-04:00

Saturday, June 7, 2008

First Yankee Game

Yankee Cap Day

Last Year of original Stadium

Dogs, Fries, Soda - $57

Tickets - Free (Thanks Beaz)
Water - Free (Thanks Yanks)

National Spelling Bee

2008-05-31T00:15:00.005-04:00

We are seriously considering entering David into the National Spelling Bee. He has been reading since age 2 (no joke). I learned that he could read when he said "All the News that's fit to print". He was reading the front cover of the NY Times.

OFF THE CHARTS Intelligence is one of the "side affects" of being on the autism spectrum. Right now he can read ANY word (age 6).

I want to do more for him. But I don't know what. I am struggling right now to know what he needs, what he wants, when he needs to be challenged. I have to respect when he needs to drift into his world and embrace him when he returns to our world.

This is painful for me. I am a problem solver with a problem I can not solve.

Fatherhood DOES Matter

2008-05-13T05:59:00.003-04:00

Hey - I made Best of the Web - check out this site! I am always interested in what other parents are doing - so this is wonderful to be a part of that. Thank you Best of the Web!

On Sunday I realized how far we have come and how far we have to go. There was a magic show at a local amusement park. When the magician asked for volunteers, David raised his hand! I was so proud when he was selected!!

It was on stage and his interaction with the magician that it was uncomfortable. There was a disconnect between who David is an how he acts versus the magician's expectation (asking him not so politely to stay still, move back - don't ruin is magic trick!) The end game was the rabbit was pulled out of the box and everybody lived happily ever after.

The major win was David had a blast! He loved talking about the bunny! My take away from this experience is that maybe I am the issue. It was my discomfort not David's. He had fun in his own way, his own time and in his own space. David is cool in who he is.

Maybe I am the one that needs to change, to grow, to accept.

Milestones for my Children

2008-05-10T21:51:00.002-04:00

Today Jaclyn celebrated her first Holy Communion. My daughter can now celebrate the Eucharist each week with her parents. What a blessing and what a ceremony today! I am amazed at how she has grown.

I am even more amazed at how time flies by in the life of my children! As a Dad, I am ready for these milestones & I enjoy them. They are touching to me & bring a sense of accomplishment for all of us. So I am savoring & doing my best to live in the moment. I enjoy these days with all my children and I want them to know that.

Jaclyn mentioned that a boy gave her a rose and told her that "he loved her". Now that is a milestone this Dad is not ready for...

Finding God In Autism

2008-04-28T00:01:00.002-04:00

There is a book, Finding God In Autism, which I have yet to read. However, it looks very intriguing. Rachel has purchased it - so I will check it out when she is done.

You know, I never asked "Why me? Why us? Why my son?" There is an entire autism spectrum and I know every family has their own battles - for better or worse. We have days when we struggle. We are very blessed.

I do find God in autism. I find God in David and I find God in this journey we are on. I am very blessed to be David's Dad.

Don't Mess with my Boys

2008-04-27T23:43:00.004-04:00

My biggest struggle with David being on the autistic spectrum is developing a connection with him. With a lot of hard work over time - we have developed a deep bond and a true love for one another. What I have been trying hard to do for some time is connect and have it stick. Specifically we are working on proper actions/communication in the social setting. We are working hard to have him do simple things - for example: proper hello/goodbye and eye contact.

Two instances happened today which remind me that we still have work to do. 1) Inappropriate physical and verbal behavior at church and 2) He punched me in the ___ (lets say "boys") at Trader Joe's. It's hard to concentrate on the checkout line when you are seeing stars.

These are not intentional acts. At least I don't sense them to be. It most likely is a call for attention or overwhelmed by the situation (lots of people, lots of sensory inputs).

We've made progress. I love him immensely. It's a gut check (literally) and I know we need to stay the course.

Simple but Powerful Days

2008-04-19T02:04:00.003-04:00

The last 2 days I worked around the house. Cleaning the garage, cleaning the patio furniture. Getting ready for Spring. Throughout the day all 4 kids joined me outside. They played while I worked. In between work we rode our bikes, played baseball and soccer. What surprised me the most was they wanted to help clean. So we cleaned the patio furniture together - they liked spraying me with the hose!

We went to the park yesterday. Well, actually 2 parks. I can tell each of them enjoyed the days outside because they were exhausted by 7 pm each day. We had a blast.

Simple days but hopefully very powerful connections were built.

Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie and Child Friendly Ballparks?

2008-04-09T02:43:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I attended the LAST Shea Stadium Opening Day. Thank you to Rae, BH, Ed, Sean and Shimmy for making that happen.

I MUST bring my kids to Yankee Stadium this year.
However, after experiencing a wild upper deck at Shea.....Do I really want to expose my children to the inhabitants of Yankee Stadium? Anybody have any suggestions? Shall I dare check out the No-Alcohol Bleacher seats?

I really wanted to see my boys tonight. When I arrived home, they were already asleep. Trying hard to fix that daily weekday routine.

The Game of My Life

2008-04-02T14:28:00.003-04:00

I noticed the book, "The Game of My Life" while walking in the supermarket. Initially, I thought "sports book".....cool!

I soon realized it was more than a sports story. I soon realized whom it was about - J Mac.
I could not give him or his story any justice, so take the time to check out this video.

If you've read the book, leave me a comment and let me know your thoughts. I will do the same.
It is stories like this that keep me going.

Autism Speaks... on CNN

2008-04-01T07:23:00.002-04:00

Something that saddens me is I often forget the details of where we came from with David.

I guess that is a good thing. But when pressed by others to elaborate on his early years, I struggle. But when I remember the details, I am filled with many emotions. I guess I can go back and read this blog from the beginning. Some day. But I am sure reading it will give me a sense of where we are today. Not that I don't appreciate all the hard work and dedication of everyone. I feel I am living in the now.

Tomorrow (April 2) CNN is devoting a full day of programming to investigating Autism. Wow - impressive. I'll poke around the channel and see of this actually happening.

Check out this section on CNN which covers all articles, videos, podcasts on Autism.

Charlotte's Web: I laughed, I cried

2008-03-31T17:42:00.003-04:00

This afternoon I attended a play (class trip) with David. The play (Charlotte's Web) was held in New Haven, so I met the school bus at the auditorium.

I surprised David when he arrived with his classmates. He seemed genuinely excited to see me. In fact, he pulled me over to meet his friends Henry and Jake. It seems like a simple act, but if you know David then you understand. I was shocked at this step of recognition and joy on his part.

I was mentally preparing myself while driving to the auditorium to have low expectations. I guess I feel this especially with David but I think this may hold true with all my kids. It sounds weird to say - but sometimes I find myself so excited to do something with them and be with them. I just don't get that same response back. So maybe it is a protective mechanism? Who knows.

But today on the way home, I was on cloud nine. I enjoyed every moment today with David. Oh this included being surrounded by hundreds (if not thousands) of kids in the auditorium. Kudos to Mrs. A and the teachers!

At dinnertime, he thanked me profusely for coming to the play.
I'll do it again and again and again.

20 Years

2008-02-17T07:14:00.002-05:00

My father died 20 years ago yesterday (Feb 16). Yesterday we honored him with Mass. We were blessed to have my friend Gino (whom I have known for 20 years) and his family join us & welcome us in his restaurant. Shameless Plug Alert: If you are in the Mahopac, NY area, you have to check out Gino's Trattoria. The food is fresh and tastes incredible.

It is hard to believe 20 years have gone by. It is hard to believe how far I have come from that turning point in my life. Truth be told, I never thought I would make it.

The highlight of the day was watching the kids. 8 kids in a restaurant - so well behaved, having so much fun together. They had a blast. I looked around yesterday and knew I was blessed.

Dad - we love you and miss you. Your legacy moves forward.

Sweetheart Dance

2008-02-10T23:43:00.000-05:00

Today, J and I attended the sweetheart dance. It was a girls date with their daddies. It was square dancing fun! From what I can tell - she had a blast. As for me.....let's put it this way....Last Sunday I was at the Super Bowl (Go Giants!). That was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Today was better. Much better. I would not have traded today for anything in the world. Not even Superbowl tickets.

Dreams

2008-01-30T20:22:00.001-05:00

I often wonder what my children dream about. I always ask them, but they can't seem to quantify. Dream thoughts have arisen more frequently when talking to my mom. She mentioned that after my Dad died, she dreamed often about my Dad. This was years after his death. I imagine this to be a bit intriguing for her, but also sad (because the dreams probably felt real). That hurts me.

I continue to wonder - what do my children dream about? Maybe they just dream about what happened to them that day. It sounds so simple. So I hope their days were filled with happiness, joy and laughter. I pray that their dreams are filled with the same.

American Idol

2008-01-25T01:00:00.000-05:00

Jaclyn, David and I had a blast watching American Idol this week. Contestants sang and J & D gave their judgement - a thumbs up or thumbs down. We danced and laughed for an hour.

One of the best things I truly enjoy about being a Dad is being silly and just laughing. I also want to ensure the kids learn there is a time to be silly and a time for serious stuff. In a lot of ways, I am learning how to be a Dad "on the fly". Sounds a bit scary to still be learning while having 4 kids. But it is the truth and I guess it comes with being human.

So I am enjoying the little moments with the little ones.

I may be biased, but this Dad gets 2 thumbs up!

Modern Day Dad Balancing Act

2008-01-16T20:12:00.000-05:00

I struggle mightily with balancing work / life balance. On second thought, that's not fair to say I am balancing ONLY 2 things. I struggle with balancing dedication to work, commitment to family, carving out time for myself, time with children, preparing for our family's future, monthly date nights, dialogue, reaching out to family and friends...The list goes on.

I wonder specifically what my children think. What is their impression of Dad? I wonder - Do they understand? I wonder - Do they really care? Or simply, all they really want is time with Dad? Am I up to the challenge? Can I balance it all?

As I sit here contemplating, Jaclyn just kissed me on the cheek. I guess that says it all.

David's Favorite Planet

2008-01-11T13:33:00.000-05:00

David loves astronomy. Specifically, David is in love with the planets.

Actual conversation in our household

David: Dad, Do you want to know facts about Uranus?
Dad: (with bad mental image in his head).....Um, sure.
David: Did you know that Uranus is the 7th planet from the sun.
Dad: (with sigh of relief upon recognition of which Uranus we are talking)....WOW!

This morning we went downstairs first thing in the morning.
Dad: This apple is big. Do you want to split an apple?
David: Will you have half of it?
Dad: Yes
David: Then yes, I would like to split an apple with you for breakfast and you can listen to me as I tell you jokes.

I listened and laughed at David as he read from his joke book. I love listening to David - whether it is about apples, planets or topics yet to un-cover.

Fathers and Sons

2007-11-08T00:59:00.000-05:00

For the first time in a long time I feel like I connected to David - human to human.

For the past two days David has greeted me warmly and dare I say even happily. I asked him how his play date was and he explained to me why it was cancelled. This was all done in great detail (you have to know David to appreciate this). Today after greeting me I asked him how he was feeling (knowing he was feeling sick). He told me about his "green stickies on his nose" (in great detail of course). Basically he had a stuffy nose with green mucus.

JP had his first OFFICIAL play date. He was so excited to know his Dad was very proud of him.

There is one major thing I am (PLACE EMOTION HERE) about not doing with my Dad.
I never had a chance to have an ADULT conversation with him.

I really am striving to build a relationship with my sons now.
It hurts me when I am failing at that.
God willing, he will allow me that opportunity to guide my sons into adulthood.
I continue to beat up the treadmill pondering daily fatherhood matters.

Burdens of a Father

2007-11-08T00:46:00.000-05:00

I have been burdened this week (for many reasons) of focusing on protecting my children. I feel this extreme desire (good) as well as pressure (bad) that I must protect them. It sounds sort of "caveman-ish", archaeic or even animalistic. But even as I type, I am not sure how to truly express it.

I have an overwhelmingly passion to continue to support their needs and desires financially. That is interplayed with the notion that this financial support is dependant on other factors (people, my company). This support is immediate as well as long term. I have an overwhelmingly sense I need to protect them from "the dangers of the outside world". I have this overwhelming fear that I am turning into my father (is this good or bad?)

One example I remember is a gut wrenching feeling when I learned my kids would be taking the bus to school - I could not imagine ENTRUSTING their safety with someone else.

So I wonder, will these feelings always be a part of me as a Dad?
I also wonder if these feelings a part of something that all Dad's face?

I continue to beat up the treadmill on a daily basis pondering Fatherhood matters.

Happy Halloween

2007-11-01T12:14:00.001-04:00

We had a blast on Halloween (& during the days before). Attached is a photo of the Halloween Crew. You will see 3 of the 4 O'Leary kids. We had an entire crew from our neighborhood join us (no photo credentials provided for others). So 2 Years in a Row of Trick or Treating - it looks like a neighborhood tradition is brewing!

The following is an excerpt of a conversation between myself and JP. We were holding hands behind the trick or treat pack (as he could not keep up to the older kids, although JP tried)

Dad: JP, you okay?
JP: Yes, Daddy.......but Dad?
Dad: Yes, JP?
JP: Will you protect me?
Dad: JP, I am always here for you & I will always protect you!
JP: but Dad......I was SO SO scared of the scary music
Dad: oh JP, don't worry I am here and I will protect you.
Dad: (after a melodramatic pause) ...Besides, you are SUPERMAN! (putting out my arms for emphasis)
JP: but Dad....I am not superman....I am just JP!

Happy Birthday Smiley McGee

2007-10-26T23:51:00.000-04:00

What can I say? This girl is beautiful, friendly, sometimes shy, loves to walk, eat & LOVES HER DADDY. I can't believe one year has passed already. She is here, enjoying life and her siblings. She loves Jackie. She is intrigued by David. Cackles with JP.

Happy Birthday Abigail! You have a wonderful spirit! I look forward to many more years with you & seeing the wonderful girl you will become.

Dad, The Weekend Warrior

2007-10-20T18:37:00.001-04:00

Rachel is leading a woman's retreat this weekend. This means it is Daddy 24x7 with the kids for the weekend (minus Abigail who is hanging with the Trovarelli family - kudos to them).

I awoke this morning with 2 of 3 kids in my bed. We went to the Red Rooster for breakfast (after chasing a garden snake back into the forest). I typically go on dates with my daughter to the Red Rooster. She gave the OK to let her brothers into our world. The owners were fantastic - very accomodating to us & they even tuned the TV to Disney! A very welcoming & charming place with delicious food!

After breakfast, we attempted to see local little league games, but nobody was playing. We stopped by Goose Lake & then went to Dickinson Park. Kids had a blast on the "wooden playground". Next we went to Reed School Park which included a large spider web to climb! Our day wrapped up by attending a local Craft Fair & eating cupcakes!

We finally arrived home around 3:30 pm and we watched 2 movies - Narnia & The Wild.

Raviolis wrapped our day ("These are my favorite!" - kids exclaim).

Outdoor Fun + Tired Kids + Exhausted Dad = AWESOME DAY!

Attention Shoppers!

2007-10-18T19:27:00.000-04:00

I enjoy spending time with my kids. I am trying to balance the previous fact with my time to relax - specifically mental breaks. I have not come up with a solution yet, but trying. Any solutions out there?

One of things I like to do is spend time with the boys on Saturday mornings. Very simply, WE DO ERRANDS! YEH! This mostly consists of food shopping or car maintenance or general "around town" stuff. We try to make the food shopping fun where the boys help me pick out stuff, we receive a slice of cheese from the deli person, and they get to ride in "Marty". Marty is the name they gave to that extra long grocery cart shaped like a firetruck (or car or truck or PLACE ANY TYPE OF VEHICLE A BOY WOULD LOVE HERE). Most recently, they have become my little shoppers with their little "shopper in training" carts. (see photo).

Watch out shoppers......clean up in aisle 22!

Telling Your Story

2007-09-16T20:41:00.000-04:00

Today started a new year of CCD (Sunday School) for the kids. During this year's program, Jaclyn will celebrate her Holy Communion. Living this experience with my children, I am reminded of my days in a Catholic parochial school. I now have an appreciation for the Roman Catholic faith and especially an appreciation of living that faith (not just text book knowledge).

As parents, we attended an orientation for this program. The theme was for our kids to tell their story - their story of encountering Christ. After Day 1, we felt a comfort that God's grace is surrounding our family. David's teacher seemed excellent & his 1st Grade teacher is in the class. Jaclyn is in the class taught by the principal of the school. We wrapped up this sunny day (with a crisp cool breeze) to play in the "CCD Park" as David like to call it.

I learn every day about being a father & a Dad. I want to do right by them. I don't receive feedback from them, so I really don't know how I am doing (& I guess I will never know).

I want my children to experience physical activities like football, basketball and baseball (my sports). I support their new found physical activities like gymastics and soccer. I want my children to be intellectually stimulated at school & at home (trips to Bronx Zoo, etc). I want to be able to provide extra support when needed (whether it is time or money). I want my children to be spiritually fed. I understand it is a journey with hills and valleys. No expectations here - I just want to provide the foundation they can always rely on.

My struggles I guess lie in determining what activities to take on versus what not to take on. When should I lead, follow or move on.

Of course for me as a Dad my ultimate question is "How can I do it all with limited time & resources?" I suspect this question is one other Dad's are dealing with? I don't feel despondent. I actually feel challenged - very challenged to be a small part in helping my kids confidently tell all their life stories.

Family History & Memories

2007-09-11T01:03:00.000-04:00

This past weekend we tried 2 new family things.

1. We attended the Norwalk Oyster Festival. Oddly enough, we did not partake of any oysters. However, we listened to an INCREDIBLE band named Ask Your Mom. Well, I may be biased as one of the band members is my co-worker Rob. But they rocked & the kids danced. The day ended with a trip to Pizza Hut.

2. On Sunday we attended the Greater Danbury Irish Festival. We had Irish food & I had Irish beer (Harp) with Aunt Kate. We listened to Irish music & watched Irish dancing. We learned what our names are in Gaelic. We found where our ancestors lived. We made sand art while spilling most of the sand on the floor. We played soccer & football (kudos to Uncle Mike). I enjoyed sharing my family heritage with my children. Note to self: Create family tree

I truly enjoy spending time with my family. I am a blessed man.

A New Season

2007-09-11T00:49:00.001-04:00

I love new beginnings. I especially love the change of seasons. I believe that is because of my athletic background. As the seasons change, it signals the start of a new sport. The early morning smell of a freshly manicured football field. The high pitched squeaks of sneakers on a basketball court. The vision of seeing up close the fresh white chalk on a baseball diamond.

JP started pre-school today. He is ready and from all accounts he had a wonderful day. Jaclyn & David started school about 8 days ago (we attended each of their open houses). So 3 of 4 of our children are attending the same school.

I feel a sense of parental accomplishment today. It is a small but wonderful step. The start of something new and special. Go get 'em JP!

Kids and Technology

2007-08-29T00:13:00.000-04:00

When I was younger I owned a newspaper route (the NY Daily News). My route consisted of delivering 50 papers each morning. The papers had to be delivered - whether snow, sleet, rain, or sickness.

A pain point for me was collecting the money. I wonder why. I guess as a 13 year old kid, collecting cash from adults was intimidating. My pay consisted of taking home a percentage of each paper and receiving customer tips.

This had me thinking of how kids who deliver newspapers receive payment in modern times.
Payment today is mostly made online or via credit card.
In fact, I have not met the delivery person who delivers my NY Times each morning.

I believe the advances today are all due to technology. My children love the computer. They love computer games. My daughter loves Webkinz. Have you heard of Webkinz? Be afraid, be very afraid. My kids are skilled at using a computer. It is truly amazing the infiltration of technology into our children's lives. What are the positives you see with children using technology so early?

I love this stuff.....but honestly, I don't mind waiting a long time until they learn about credit cards!

Back To School

2007-08-28T23:30:00.000-04:00

Start of a school year = more milestones. I read a blog post about enjoying life's moments. Today marks the start of 1st Grade for David. A milestone that I yearned for 5 years. I could not picture this achievement when I was told David was on the autism spectrum (about 5 years ago). I pray every day for him to have a joyful and safe day.

Jaclyn also starts 2nd Grade. I pray that she continues to be a wonderful family leader and wonderful participant in school. Her school year start is delayed as she is a bit under the weather.

JP starts preschool in a couple of weeks.

New year. New adventures. New challenges. What will tomorrow bring?

Making Childhood Memories

2007-08-17T19:31:00.000-04:00

I had a wonderful vacation week with my family. We relaxed at the beach for 4 days. The week wraps up with the premiere of the TV movie - Disney's High School Musical 2.

Our memories this week included:
1. Four days in the Atlantic Ocean waves
2. JP finding and holding Sand Crabs
3. Ice Cream and Karoake
4. Italian & Seafood Dinners (Happy Birthday Poppy!)
5. Delicious Donuts
6. Carnival on the Ocean City Boardwalk
7. Reuniting with old friends
8. Boogie Boarding
9. Making memories with Nana, Poppy, Aunts & Uncle Mike
10. Boothe Library 75th Anniversary Party (upon our return to Newtown)

My Son, My Relationship

2007-08-04T00:02:00.000-04:00

It always comes in bunches - many things happen all at once that talk or deal with Autism. I am reading a book (previous post), see talk shows and read special reports on autism.

For me, it's personal. I can only comprehend my own relationship with my son. I am trying and I believe he is too. It is frustrating and I believe he becomes frustrated too. I look to the world around me for help. Help comes in many forms. I look to others for how to interact with my son. Little ideas or knowledge from others who are on this road.

Watch this Video when your time allows. A line from this video hit home to me "1 in 94 boys is on the Autism Spectrum". This is my relationship with David! This is our relationship with our sons!

Book I am Reading

2007-08-03T23:37:00.000-04:00

I am reading "the curious incident of the dog in the night-time". This is a novel narrated by a boy on the autism spectrum. I am not finished yet - but I am torn. In one way, I am thoroughly enjoying the book. In another way, I see a lot of David in the narrator (Christopher John Francis Boone) & it hits home.

Not only do I see David in the book, but I see myself in the main character's father. I love my son. I have true compassion & patience for my son. I relate to my son. But there are often times that I can not relate to David & his world & that hurts. It hurts in a way that I can not explain to anyone.

I will let you know the results when I finish this book - stay tuned.

Unashamed Promotion: This book was a gift from my father in law, Andres Torres, who is an author in his own right (see Amazon.com)

Keep Moving Forward

2007-07-08T21:17:00.000-04:00

Our family went to see Meet the Robinsons at Edmond Town Hall. I enjoy old cinemas not just because of the price ($2 per ticket is wonderful for families), but because of the history and it is typically a chance to really enjoy a show without the craziness of a multiplex (DOWN IN FRONT!)

The movie reinforced 2 things for me:
1. This weekend was about family & almost turned out not to be. A friend, Victor Batsu, invited me to play golf this weekend. I was very tempted to play but desired to be with my family (see previous post on Struggles of a Modern Day Dad). I declined golf. I gained family. 2 bike riding trips to the lake with JP. Lots of reading with Jaclyn, Lots of baby giggles with Abigail. Lots of playtime with David (saturday morning at the tire shop)

2. I must keep moving forward. I learn more from failure than success. Keep pressing on, surrender life to God and keep moving forward. Something to think about.

When did Al Gore become cool?

2007-07-07T22:19:00.000-04:00

I have never been much for focusing on "being green" outside of buying Energy Star appliances and installing new windows in my home. Jaclyn has been focusing on recycling and has been instrumental in changing my thought process.

Today I watched Live Earth festivities and found it not only musical, but refreshing, focused, inspirational and organized and presented by committed people.

I have pledged and look forward to changing the world (in some small and fun way) with and for my children.

Struggles of a Modern Day Dad

2007-07-06T20:33:00.000-04:00

I am struggling with the demands of work and fatherhood. I would not say it is a negative struggle. I positively struggle with the demands of my career or my personal life (lets say golf) and wanting to achieve that.

SHAMELESS PLUG: I will soon post "101 things to do before I die" list.

But I also find great joy in being with my kids. I enjoy riding our bikes to the lake. I enjoy playing soccer, baseball and basketball with them. I even enjoy taking them on errands with me or cooking for them.

I also sense that may be more expected of a modern Dad. He is expected to be at the basketball games, boy scout and girl scout activities as well as perform at work.

I wonder if other Dads experience this as well? I wonder if women (Moms) experience this or do they feel different pressures?

Boys, Boys, Boys; NO GIRLS ALLOWED

2007-06-29T09:04:00.000-04:00

The boys and I had boy-time this week. We are missing the ladies but we had a blast!

10 things we did this week:
1. Day at the Library - Paws, Claws, Scales and Magic Tales
2. Trip to the General Store for Candy
3. Lots of book reading
4. Lots of writing (David wrote some amazing letters)
5. Trip to Dad's job
6. Horseback Riding for David (Pegasus riding for special kids)
7. Trip to Nana's house
8. Swimming
9. SuperPretzels!
10. Close out the week - Movies!

Missing My Daughter

2007-06-25T21:19:00.001-04:00

Jaclyn is having a sleepover with the Chaluisan family this week. I've been thinking about her throughout my drive home and I miss her terribly already (she left merely 3 hours ago). Baby Abigail is joining her at only 8 months old. I love my daughters.

Check out one of my favorite photos of Jaclyn on her 4th birthday.

Autism Town

2007-06-24T11:29:00.001-04:00

I recently came upon a virtual placed called Autism Town. I am interested in this for multiple reasons. First, I continue to try to understand how to interact with my son, David. Second, my technically curious nature has always drawn me to virtual reality. I have not checked out in detail secondlife.com yet; Autism Town has an striking resemblance to something I encountered a couple of years ago - the million dollar homepage.

It continues to amaze me how we (the virtual community) comes up with new ways to utilize technology. I am especially amazed at how this community supports each other - with comments on blogs or otherwise. I look forward to seeing what other technical advances are ahead for us, our world and our children.

Color of Love

2007-06-21T01:20:00.000-04:00

Tonight after arriving home from work, I colored with Jaclyn.
We colored in a tiny coloring book. It brought back memories of how much fun it is & how much i love art. I enjoyed the mixtures of color, the creativity. I enjoyed being with my daughter.

I kissed her on the cheek and I said, "Jaclyn, you know what?".
She replied, "I know Dad, you love me!"

For Dads - this is precious time. I enjoy those small moments - especially during the week when I am away all day. Some days if I leave early and the kids go to be early, I dont see them. I am similar to other Dads out there whereas i dont like days like that.

I will savor these small moments whenever they arrive.

My Wife....she is da WO-Man

2007-06-13T00:35:00.000-04:00

JP has a favorite shirt that says "My Dad is the Man!". He likes to feed my ego.

That being said, my wife is the WO-MAN! She always encourages, pushes, supports and is a driver of my fatherhood. By pure nature - I am not a father without her and this blog don't exist.

This past week I have appreciated her even more than usual. In a weird twist of fate (thank you Jesus), the negative stuff we experienced became a blessing of spending much time together. Time spent talking, listening, crying, laughing and time spent re-energizing and pushing life forward.

Thank you - to my wife. Thank you to the mother behind Fatherhood Matters.

JohnnyO Goes to Washington

2007-06-04T15:09:00.000-04:00

Going to DC on business. Taking the train. I don't like leaving my kids. I don't like being away from them. I can't explain it, but it it is an uncomfortable feeling leaving them - I will truly miss them. Does anyone else go through this?

I told the kids this morning I was going on a trip.
Jaclyn said, "Are you going to see the President?"
David said, "You are going to BE the President?"

Before I left, Jaclyn made me lunch. She said it was important that I have food for my bus ride and for my "field trip". She really showed me love today and I needed it.

Deja Vu - All Over Again

2007-06-02T01:48:00.000-04:00

My day began with a game we created called, "Peas in the Pod". We place ourselves under the bed covers & pretend we are peas inside the pod. Our names are: Paul Pea (me), Patrick Pea (JP), Penelope Pea (Jaclyn), & Johnny Pea (David). This morning JP & I played this game & sang songs (his current playlist is: Spiderman, Bob The Builder and The Wheels on the Bus).

My day ended with Jaclyn telling me she loved me because I am handsome, David telling me he loved me because of my "cool red car", and JP singing to me. Oh yeah, JP sang the same songs as this morning (except this time he sang on his "stage" - in front of the fireplace)

I will take that start & end of a day.......every day.

JP: The boy, the myth, the legend

2007-06-01T02:52:00.001-04:00

I love JP. In fact, there is lots to like and love about him. He is lovable, cute, friendly, sensitive, athletic and quite simply a joy to be around.

To the right is a shameless promotional photo of my son playing with dirt.

Pootatuck Duck Race

2007-06-01T01:29:00.000-04:00

Saturday, we attended the Pootatuck Duck Race. I purchased raffle tickets for 4 plastic ducks (each of my children) that would compete in this race down the river. What a blast! We played (well, the kids played) in a bouncy balloon, petted llamas, ate duck cookies and then we played in the Pootatuck River prior to the ducks being launched.

Playing in the River was new to me. Trying to overcome my nervousness in the water (will they fall on the rocks? Will a fish bite them?) but allowing them to just experience nature. But I believe they enjoyed this time & they will never forget it. (Shameless promotion: Look for photos and hopefully video posted here soon)

Oh yeah - we lost the duck race.

David & The K-Kids

2007-05-26T09:34:00.000-04:00

Emotional! Emotional is the best way I have to explain how I felt at David's Kindergarten performance (The K-Kids). It's been a long road. Watching him sing, recite poems, put on sunglasses and dance (we have to work on his hip movement & rhythm) helped me realize my dreams come true. He is interacting with a standard Kindergarten class. He was even a minnow in a little skit (ask him about it sometime).

The bad news. He has a long way to go. He is clearly "a little off" when it comes to social interaction. So we rejoice in the good (lots of noise, sounds, people and David survived). We are cautiously optimistic as we battle to improve the bad.

Shout out to Nana who attended the performance. We have video of the event we plan to watch with some popcorn!

Happy Birthday to my Girl

2007-05-19T09:51:00.000-04:00

Today is Jaclyn's 7th Birthday party (May 18 is her official Birthday). It is a bit surreal how she has grown up before my eyes. The last couple of days have been stressful to say the least - no power since Wednesday, 1 night in a hotel room. This equals lots of fun for the kids BUT lots of stress for the parents. Well okay, a little fun for Dad.

Today is a bowling party with only girls allowed (except her Daddy). The boys, not invited. I am sure David and JP will have their revenge one day.

Happy Birthday Jackie O!

Man Of Character

2007-04-28T21:19:00.000-04:00

We attended a charity dinner for Hopeline Pregnancy Center on Thursday night. The guest speaker was Ryan Dobson. This is the first I learned of him, although I've listened to his father, James Dobson.

Ryan used the term "Man of Character". That term touched me. I am searching & struggling to become this type of man in all aspects of my life. I am particularly trying to become a "father of character". Maybe achieving this is a lifetime journey? Maybe it is unattainable? Maybe I am not trying hard enough?

What A Weekend!

2007-04-24T13:15:00.000-04:00

Friday, Saturday and Sunday was absolutely gorgeous weather here in Newtown, CT. The kids & I spent most (if not all) of our days outside. We worked (built patio furniture) and played soccer, tag, basketball, bike riding, running, exploring.

On Saturday we attend Andrew Vincent Caparelli's 1st Birthday party. What a lot of fun for the whole family. Jaclyn said, "Dad, this is the best day of my life!"

On Sunday, the Hoffman & Soloman families visited our home. We had our first BBQ. Again, what a blast for the kids as the day ended with ice cream sandwiches!

I am finding more & more joy in the little moments of life with the family. I enjoyed spending so much time with them this weekend.

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

2007-04-16T23:22:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, David said to me - "Dad, can you & I have boy time?" I was touched & honored, I happily said "of course". Jaclyn & JP were most gracious as they allowed this time for me & David.

I asked David, "What do you want to do?" He said, "I want to put the lower case alphabet letters in the coconut tree". This is in reference to a children's book - Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. Disheartening for me. I wanted to wrestle, play football, or have a catch. We set the metal easel along with the magnetic letters. One by one we placed each letter on the board in alphabetical order, removed the vowels, organized by color and then went through the book - WORD BY WORD. David memorized the book.

This is disheartening because the letters are a source of repetition - a calming mechanism for David. After we completed the story, David wanted to do it again. I told him that this was enough focus on the letters. He looked at me & said, "Dad, I love you. Can we have boy time again soon?" I proudly told him we would (heart melting)

David - I look forward to boy time & ya know what - we can do whatever YOU want!